...

i watched turtles all the way down with my dad, after we read the book together. if you don't know what that is, stop reading this and go learn more about the novel by john green. regardless, spoilers for the film and book ahead.

honestly, i have so much to say about this movie that i don't know where to start. i relate so heavily to aza, who struggles with her mental illness so much that her mother makes plans for her to live at home her whole life.

something that i feel isn't expressed easily is the way mental illness destroys your autonomy. the way that it prevents you from doing things against your will, or causes you to do things you don't actually want to. this whole story revolves around aza and her struggle with feeling 'real' when her actions and thoughts aren't actually hers to begin with. they are all decided by this illness, this demon, in her head.

i think the reason i resonate so hard with aza is the hopelessness that lack of autonomy brings. the anger you feel towards an entity that both isn't you and is a part of you.

i don't struggle with aza's thoughts of being fake. but i struggle so hard with living a life that is ruled by the circumstances of my chemicals in my head. i struggle with a mother who doubts i'll ever be able to live alone. i struggle with relationships i have been unable to keep due to being a little too much like mustard.

i want so badly to be able to work. to be in a healthy relationship. to have others rely on me. to have my own experiences and thoughts and ideas. but everything is decided for me, it seems. i can't even choose what i want to eat lately. everything is black and white. can and can't. will and wont.

it's awful. it's a lot. it's gross and overwhelming and... mustard. it's a whole lot of fucking mustard.

i don't have a thesis. i just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head. i'm okay. i'll continue to be okay.